22nd oct 2004
its 1:51am and i feel like a hamster in a wheel of its own construction, with arthritis and blocked sinuses. What a situation. the last two days have been erratic and wholly dissatisfying. Perhaps the lack of sunlight and open spaces is getting to me. or maybe it just aggravates an already acutely tuned emotional instument (that's me btw). So so so many things that i feel like im neglecting, all weighing down on my mind like so many bags of rice that you pick up and stick down your pants for later, until you realise you need to cook the damn stuff. im so tempted to write a big list of everything that's bugging me, maybe it will help me externalise these tense feelings.
okay im gunna go ahead:
number one on my mind is aurelie... not that im neglecting her as such, but i do find myself spending unholy ammounts of time thinking about her, while not really doing or saying much. Lots of past anxieties are coming to the front of my mind again, about how and how not to treat someone you care for, and it's totally confusing me. I want her to know how into her i am, but am very anxious of suffocating her (thinknig back...). she is gorgeous, and so friendly, and and and well jsut totally perfect in my mind. Maybe im romanticising her a bit. Still i think she is wonderful. and i just want to be with her....
secondly is this bizarre website that i've spawned. so much i could say about it, all the things that need to be added and altered, but alas that is a whole story in itself.
thirdly im having a general social anxiety - probably totally unjustified, but still present. bit to do with expression of my thoughts, which is a continuing (and worsening) difficulty of mine.
i want to do mroe artwork - i love drawing and making things wiht my hands. forging a website has satisfied bits of this, however i urge for the raw touch of a pencil between my fingers....
stretching. I feel myslef being lazy about streching. im quite flexible, but really not where i could or should be right now. the time is right yet the effort is absent.
physique/fitness - two partially conflicting interests, one focusing on strengtheninng my tendons and joints, the other on inporving cardio health. both time consuming.
drumming. a major player here, i love it dearly, yet it is a massive muncher of creative energy. i want to keep improving rapidly, but rarely find enough time to satisfy my desires
musical production and recording, uncluding that with aurelie and dan. computer difficulties are totally frustrating me about this - i could spend hours trinyg to fix it, and only make the thing worse. such is th way. im lacking the hardware to backup and reformat, aswell as the software, a total lack of organisation and premtive attention.
reading. dear god. what a subject - i have like 50 or more books i dearly want to read, but where the hell is the time to do it??? need to get into the habit....
study. i really want to do well this year, party so that i am not pressured next year, and also for my own ego, i want to show all those fuckers what i can do if i try.
work placment. finding a stimulating and worthwhile year's work is near to impossible in this world of market-driven science. those product design gurus can suck my dick.
touch typing practice. i want to be faster and not to have to look at the keyboard. this will aid many other areas,,....
firends. o hgod. new list time:
RObert brodrick. what a guy. i miss him every time i let myself think of him. but why is it so hard to keep in touch then?
tom davidson. bit of ambivalance here too, hes a chap with great potential but a highly distractable nature. i feel kinda responsible to him.
ollie. thankfully im keepinh in some kind of contact with him, although im never entirely sure where i stand...
sam. ultimately close friend, a trust beyond words. again i find it hard to break the psychic ice
alex henry. quite a paternal role for me, althoguh i am often pleasnatly suprised by him. i hope he is well.
james boyle. not another guilty father relationship.....
ben. had soem great imtes with ben. really not sure what common ground we share at the moment though. can't help a pang of discomfort.
tom liffen. a wonderful friend. an honest and kind person, i am truely indebted to him. yet im often waiting for his call.
amelia. i could wirte essays about simpel passing thoughts, but to cut it short, i am confused. I love her and want her, but know it isn't possible. (and a little part of me says: just not yet...)
hannah. one of the closest friends i have, and a love that runs deep through me.
kat. bitter girl that i can't help loving anyway. through her anger and fear she was honest to me in ways that have touched me to thsi day.
claudia. my first true love. i keep thiknig of her, she is like a fairy summoned in times of romance, who sits on the shoulders of those i'd like to court. confusing, tryiong to keep my emotinos in check, to distinguish what i feel for her and what i feel for others.
my mother. jesus this is a big one. maybe not worth tackling in brief, i'll jsut say she's ill and alone, and i feel her pain every day of my life. it is like a cold piece of steel pushing into my back, grinding me down.
my father. i feel pretty pissed off at this guy. i also keep thinknig of him in the ways i did as a child, although in a newer view. i keep pushing him away, like i do with my mother.
david mountain. ancient firend, i know him so well it hurts. paternalism comes in here bigtime. perhaps what split us at one point. always been somehwat rocky. lots of affection underneath frustration and guilt.
jamie. probably my closest firend at the moment, in temrs of our shared interests and goals. i feel sometimes toatlly anxious around him, and sometimes at complete harmony.
housemates - i sperate myself fro mthem so i can deal with all the other stuff in my life.
cooking, for my self respect
sex. i want a partner.
jesus im tired.
okay i wnat ot goto bed so i'll jsut be quick iwth the last things i can summon to mind:
live performace music
computer sanitation and health
sex, and maybe love too
relaxation and calmness of mind
loads of films to see
loads of mucis to apprechiate
loads of words to learn and integrate
people to help and strengthen
relationships to be formed and tended to
a degree course to fulfill
social practices to respect
habits to satisfy
refining jungle drummin technique, learning jazz style, integrating existing ideas, becoming fluent